


Kono mune no naka shizuka ni (Somewhere quiet in my heart)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Established Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, Fights, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 06:39:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14743845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “You have to stop picking on me. To make fun of me whenever I can’t do something, to do that in front of the others, to treat me like I’m an idiot. You know I can take a joke, I’m used to it, but... sometime you cross the line and you don’t even realize it.”





	Kono mune no naka shizuka ni (Somewhere quiet in my heart)

**_In the nights of loneliness I shiver,_ **

**_it’s always you I’m looking for._ **

**_Because it’s only thanks to your smile_ **

**_that I can be serene again._ **

**_[Neiro, KAT-TUN]_ **

****

_“I wish you’d stop, Hikka.” he told him, his voice tired._

_They had just gotten back home after the Shokura shootings, they hadn't even had time to take their jackets off yet, and Yuya had started speaking again._

_He had kept quiet during the whole ride back from the NHK studios, pondering and trying to calm down._

_He hadn't quite managed that._

_“Stop doing what?” Hikaru asked, not at all surprised by that sudden behaviour from his boyfriend._

_He had taken that as a direct consequence of his silence and his bad mood._

_“You have to stop picking on me. To make fun of me whenever I can’t do something, to do that in front of the others, to treat me like I’m an idiot. You know I can take a joke, I’m used to it, but... sometime you cross the line and you don’t even realize it.” he said, his voice bitter._

_The younger opened his eyes wide, finally surprised by the reason why his boyfriend was mad at him._

_“What have I done this time, Yuya? What have I said? Damn it, you know I joke, whether I cross the line or not you shouldn’t get bothered if you know I don’t mean it.” he replied, frowning as if he was trying to focus on what could’ve happened for the elder to get so irritated._

_Yuya clicked his tongue, exasperated._

_“You really don’t know, do you?” he said, his face showing his disappointment. “Let Yuya go, what could he possibly know? Don’t ask Yuya what he thinks about it, he doesn’t matter.” he mimicked him, reminding him of the argument during that afternoon’s shooting._

_Hikaru bit his lip, closing his eyes briefly as if he was trying to restrain himself from saying something that he would've truly regretted; at that point, the elder went on._

_“Because I don’t matter, right? What could my opinion be worth, what could_ I _be worth?” he asked, angrier and angrier._

_Hikaru had gotten closer, looking him in the eyes._

_“Do you really think I could ever say something like that and mean it, Yuya? Do you honestly believe I don’t think you matter?” he asked, his voice calmer than he was expecting._

_“Well, you don’t really give me reason to believe otherwise.”_

_The younger kept still for a moment._

_Then he turned around, without saying a word, and walked to the front door._

Yuya was crying.

He sat on the couch, alone.

He looked at the clock, his eyes misty.

It had been almost an hour since Hikaru had gotten out, slamming the door behind himself and yelling he wanted to be alone, that he didn’t feel to be in the same room as him.

Those words echoed through his head, and he couldn’t help but thinking about them.

He bit his lip.

It had been a stupid fight.

As usual, he had talked too much and Hikaru hadn't really grasped what he was trying to say.

He _never_ knew what was the right way of telling him stuff, or maybe there was no right way at all, because they always ended up fighting at times like this, most of the times for meaningless arguments.

But, in this particular case, he hadn't managed to keep quiet.

They had been known each other far too long, they had been together for most of that time, and he had grown accustomed to his comments, to his mockery, to his constant belittling him, just because picking on him was easy, it was funny.

And he had never protested, because he wasn’t one to get mad about stuff like that.

He laughed at his jokes too, he always told him he was right whenever he scolded him when he did or said something particularly stupid.

But there was a thin line separating self-mockery and feeling humiliated.

And in the case at hand, he had felt just like that.

Because he knew Hikaru wasn’t the romantic one, he knew he had a completely twisted way of showing how he felt, but he was sure there had to be some boundaries.

In their relationship, Yuya had always been the one doing everything.

Yuya had confessed, Yuya reminded him of anniversaries, Yuya called him when they weren’t together, Yuya solved their problems, often wondering if that relationship was actually made of two people.

He had never said anything, because after all he liked to show his love to Hikaru, because he found it natural to do so, because for him what they shared was so special that he couldn’t even find the words to explain it.

And anyway, he had always been sure that it was like that for Hikaru as well, even though the younger was completely incapable of showing it.

At times like this, though, he wondered why the younger couldn’t make more efforts.

And if not the effort of making him feel loved like he loved him, at least that of not making him feel useless, because he didn’t think he deserved it.

Nevertheless, even though he felt bad about the whole situation, he’d still rather having kept quiet than fighting.

It was something he hated.

It was something he hated because Yaotome always seemed to run away from their arguments.

Because then he always ended up like that, crying alone, shivering, fretting, thinking about what he should’ve done to fix it, never coming up with a definite solution.

Thinking that, even if Hikaru was the reason for his tears, the only thing he would've wanted was to have him there, even just to cry on his shoulder, to let him soothe him, hug him, to hear that everything was going to be okay.

Because anger never lasted long in Hikaru, and when he smiled again those smiles made Yuya feel better.

After all, that was the reason why he kept standing it, why he kept never pointing out to the younger his faults.

For those smiles and for him to be happy, making him indirectly happy as well.

He brushed a hand over his face, drying the tears up.

He got up and went to the table at the entrance, where he had left his phone.

He was about to call Hikaru to ask him where he was, swallow his pride and ask him to come bed, when he heard the front door click.

He raised his eyes and sighed in relief.

His boyfriend got in, his eyes low, raising them only when he realized Yuya was right there.

He looked serious, and Yuya had rarely seen him like that. His hands were clenched in fists, and he seemed to be worse than when he had gotten out.

Takaki got worried.

He was used to those sceneries.

He was used to call him, see him come back home calmer, talking to him more peacefully and go to bed with a smile on his face.

That look on his face, instead, could bring nothing good.

 

**_I feign indifference only ‘cause I’m scared._ **

**_There’s something I can’t tell you._ **

**_The reason why I keep smiling_ **

**_is because you’re close to me._ **

****

“Where... where have you been?” Yuya asked, not inquisitive, just vaguely concerned.

Hikaru took his jacket off, distractedly hanging it with the others.

Never tearing his eyes off of the elder’s, he nodded toward the living room.

Once there, Takaki saw him glimpse briefly at the tissues he had abandoned on the coffee table, then he looked at him again and sighed.

“I’m sorry, Yuuyan.” he said, sitting down and waiting for him to do the same.

Yuya sat next to him, inevitably feeling nervous.

“You don’t have to be sorry, Hikaru. I was out of line. I didn’t mean you don’t care about me, it’s just that...” he started to say, but the other interrupted him right away.

“Let me speak, please.” he murmured. Seeing that the elder wasn’t going to say anything, he went on. “I’m the one who has to apologize, Yuya, and we both know that. I have to apologise for my inappropriate comments, I have to apologize because I never listen to you, I have to apologize...” he paused, softly brushing his fingers over Yuya’s still damp eyes. “Because every time we argue I leave you alone. I shouldn’t, I know, but I can’t help it. I hate to fight with you, and every time I think that by leaving things will get fixed on their own. I walk for a while, I cool off and when I come back everything’s back to the way it was, and I convince myself I’m right. But if I think about it, I know I can take no credit for that, I know you’re the one fixing things, I know you’re always willing to overlook my behaviour and...” he smiled, caressing his face. “And honestly, sometime I wonder how in the world you manage to deal with my indifference.” he said, biting his lip in a sign of momentary embarrassment.

Yuya smiled briefly, without daring to say a word: he was almost enchanted by what Hikaru was saying, hypnotized by his words, eager to know where they were going to lead.

The younger paused, then he took a deep breath and went on.

“What I’ve done today has no meaning at all for me, even though I realize I’ve hurt you. It’s not true that you don’t matter to me, it’s not true that you’re worthless. You... you’re the most important thing I have.” the elder saw him blush, and he could barely mask a smile, to avoid any further embarrassment for him. “I wish I knew how to show it to you. At times I tell myself that I should try and let you see how much I actually care for you, that I should pay more attention to what you feel without taking it for granted. But then I think that you’re better than me, that you know how  I feel without me having to say it, that you and I have a bond that allows us to know without there be need for words.” he breathed in. “But they’re all excuses, and bad ones. Because it’s true that I know what you feel for me, even” he smiled. “even those rare times when you don’t openly show it. But I know that because with all you do for me, it would be madness to doubt that you love me. And when I think about it, I really hate myself, Yuuyan. Because... you don’t deserve my silence. You don’t deserve my picking on you, my words, being them jokes or not. You’d deserve for me to show you what you show to me, and more.” Yuya realized he was dancing around what he truly wanted to say, but he didn’t want to force him to get to the point. He gave him the time he needed, without interrupting him.

Because he knew it wasn’t easy for him, and also because he felt he could’ve stayed there forever hearing him talk about them.

“When we’ve first gotten together.” he started again. “It seemed like the most natural thing in the world. As if, somehow, we’ve made official something that had always been there. Because I’ve always been happy, with you by my side. You’ve always made me smile, you’ve always made me feel like...” he snorted, averting his eyes from him. “As if I didn’t have to worry about being alone.” he said, and then he let go heavily against the couch, as if having been so serious for so long had taken its toll on him physically.

Yuya smiled openly to him, getting closer and leaning against him, resting his chin on his shoulder and raising his eyes on him.

“Are you done?” he asked, mocking him a little.

“One last thing, and then I swear I won’t talk for a week straight.” he sat back up properly, still without letting go on him. “I love you, Yuya. I’m sorry I can’t say that more often, or that I can’t show it. But I wish you always kept that in mid, that you never doubted anymore about what I feel for you, even when I’m so stupid as to give you a good reason to do that.” he said, then he said and kept still, staring at him, finally waiting for an answer.

Yuya looked back at him, biting down on his lower lip.

He pretended to think about it a little.

“You’re right. You’re stupid.” he said in the end, shaking his head.

Hikaru opened his eyes wide, and was ready to protest when the other nodded him to shut up and went on.

“You’re stupid if you believe I could even think you don’t love me. You’ve said you and I have a bond that allows us to always know... and it’s true. It is like that for me. I know you love me, and I’d keep loving you despite everything you may do or say to me.” he said, still smiling.

Hikaru kept looking at him for a few seconds, then he leant over him and hugged him. Yuya felt him tighten the hold on him, hiding his face in the crook of his neck, and he could do nothing but hug him back, let go to that embrace, because moments like this reminded him with extreme clarity what was bounding him to Hikaru.

It was the way he was. It was his ability of taking the best out of everything.

It was his hugs, showing more than he could’ve imagined.

It was the small things Hikaru didn’t even realize, but that Yuya always saw, because he knew him, because he had learnt how to look for signs of the love he felt for him.

And that was why he was never going to doubt about it. That was why he had never stopped fighting his stubbornness, why he was still there, in that house, letting himself being hugger by Hikaru.

The younger did very little to make him feel loved, and he felt loved anyway.

And that, in his opinion, was the sign that the love they felt for each other was too strong for its meaning to be circumscribed by words or acts.

They could make each other happy even without doing a thing.

That was love for them, and nothing else mattered.


End file.
